Let’s play a game.

Imagine for a moment you have a magic wand, and with one quick flick of your wrist, you could change how you feel. Or to an even greater extent, become a totally different person.

Not possible?

If that’s what you think, then you’re correct, and you can stop reading right here.

But if you do believe it’s possible, then play along.

There have been countless studies and research on the subject of the placebo effect, where essentially, people with real medical conditions have been given fake treatments. Yet, they have convinced themselves that the medicine is real and their ailments have been cured. They changed how they physically felt based on what they believed about an external stimulus.

If a person can change how they feel and be cured of an ailment via an external stimulus, then why not an internal stimulus?

Well, they can.

Every time you pretend to have an attitude, which is your internal stimulus, and then go through the motions, you trigger emotions that create and strengthen the attitude you wish to develop. Your pretending is your magic wand. However, unlike the fictional wand of fairy tales, you actually have to do a little more work. You have to tailor your mental and physical environment to remind you of the person you want to become.

Once you set up continuous reminders of the person you want to become, then your attitude and emotions begin to align with the behaviors you want to adopt. Like actors and kids, you too can pretend to be and feel however you want, and if you stay at it long enough, you might just become the person you want to be.

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What do you consider to be unrealistic?

If you said nothing, then I’m preaching to the choir, which of course makes life a lot easier for me.

But this isn’t about me, it’s about you.

You see, I’ve had the great fortune of meeting with many people from all walks of life, and a common theme that keeps showing up is their desire for a meaningful life. When I press the subject of how they would define a meaningful life, they explain how they want to do great or wonderful things for themselves and also very often for their families and communities. 

Almost all of them are seeking a level of extraordinary experiences in their lives, but, they temper their extraordinary with ‘keeping it realistic.’ Extraordinary and realistic are competing thoughts.

Extraordinary doesn’t live in the same realm as realistic. Extraordinary can only be found and experienced when you move beyond what is considered to be realistic.

You, yourself, have probably heard someone who’s accomplished a great challenge or goal in their life say something along the lines of ‘I never imagined, or this is beyond my wildest dreams.’ They say this because whatever they’ve accomplished is beyond the scope of what they thought was their reality.

 The awe and surprise come from their unrealistic experience.

Being unrealistic doesn’t necessarily mean you have to defy the laws of physics by doing something like walking on water, although if you do accomplish such a feat then wonderful for you. It means the next time you find yourself wanting to do or experience something outside of your current reality or other people’s version of reality, you suspend your doubts and move towards being unrealistic.

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What is the value of X?

I can hear your brain churning away, asking X what?

So I’ll make it a little easier.

Okay, now what is the value of X?

2x + 10 = 30

If you’ve had any experience with elementary algebra, then you know the answer is x=10.

Why was determining the value of x in the equation easier than the open-ended ‘what is the value of x’ question?

Well, it’s because in the first question you had no knowns, and in the equation you had a combination of knowns and unknowns. So, using your power of deduction and hopefully some elementary math, you were able to come up with the correct answer.

Life is very similar to an algebraic equation. When you’re attempting to solve any problem, you can first determine your knowns and unknowns. Obviously, working with knowns makes it easier than unknowns because you have a clue as to where to start. However, when all you’re working with are unknowns, then you have to develop a hypothesis of what you think might happen, and then essentially keep experimenting until you find an answer that works for you.

So the next time you encounter a challenge or problem that you’re trying to solve, first identify all the knowns, existing information.  Once you’ve gathered enough information to give you a good starting point, then you can go to work solving for X.

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Sorry, that’s incorrect.

You lose.

You’re disqualified.

You’ve been rejected.

We’re not interested.

You’re fired.

You didn’t make it.

No, that won’t work for us.

Pass.

No, thank you.

You’re not what we’re looking for.

You didn’t get the part.

We chose somebody else.

These are just a few of the phrases that come to mind, representing failures and rejections, but I’m sure there are many more. And I can honestly tell you that if you don’t experience any of these, then you’re probably not trying anything.

Do these failures and rejections sting when you hear them? Absolutely!

You’d have to be some kind of emotionless machine for them not to hurt at least a little. Nobody likes to hear or feel as though they’re not good enough.

The question is, how will you respond when you hear them?

Will you take some time to heal your wounds and then rise to the next challenge? Or will you decide not to pursue anything ever again? Will you, in essence, reject yourself?

Failure and rejection can be difficult to deal with, but you can also train yourself to change your perspective and view them as learning opportunities. This is not easy, but absolutely achievable.

A perfect example is athletes and sports teams. Could you imagine if an athlete or team lost an event or game and decided that they’d never play again? It sounds a little ridiculous when you hear it, but all life is just a series of events.

Of course, some events in life are more important than others, but those, too, can be viewed as learning opportunities, almost like a training ground for you to build resilience against failure and rejection.

So, the next time you experience failure or rejection, view it not as a personal downfall, but an opportunity for self-reflection. First and foremost, commend yourself for at least having the courage to try, and then go out and find your next challenge.

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love

How does it feel when you’re criticized?

Or, when you’re reminded of your errors in judgement, flaws, and mistakes?

It probably stings a little, or maybe even worse, it reminds you that you’re not perfect.

Failures, errors in judgement, mistakes are all part of being human, and I’ll bet it’s almost impossible to find a person who hasn’t experienced at least one, if not all three, of these during the course of their life.

The interesting thing is that when someone else makes an error or mistake, it’s easier to point out how they could have foreseen their error because it’s not how you would have done it. But that’s just it, they’re not you, and although it might look like you’re experiencing the world in similar ways, you’re not.

Criticizing and pointing out someone else’s mistake is easy because you are a spectator to, and not a participant in, their life. And they, too, are only spectators to your life. So what would it look like if, when errors and mistakes are made, grace and forgiveness were deployed instead of criticism and outrage?

Keep in mind that almost no one sets out to intentionally make mistakes, but for whatever reason, they do occur. Lapses in judgment, situational thinking, personal history, and a number of other reasons are why errors and mistakes are made. This applies to others and you, too. So the next time you see someone make an error in judgment or slip up, remember, we all live in glass houses, and it’s just a matter of time before you do the same.

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

Read the previous line again.

Now stop for a moment and think about it.

What is it you plan to do?

How often do you spend time thinking about your life? Not in a way where you get caught up in what happened in the past or what’s currently top of mind, but instead, sitting and digging deep into the kind of life you want to live.

Making the switch from living reactively to proactively is entirely possible at any age. And yes, there will be times when, due to unplanned events, you will have to be reactive; but what if that were the exception, not the rule?

In fact, planning can also help you with the unplanned. Yes, I know it sounds contradictory, but hear me out. What if you could decide ahead of time how you’d respond to some of the surprises in life? And yes, there are always exceptions, and usually it’s not the good surprises that tend to bother you, so essentially you only need to have a plan for how you would respond to some of the unpleasant situations that are inevitable in life.

You don’t need to spend days or even weeks planning, unless, of course, you enjoy doing so. Even a few minutes a day can be helpful. It can be that little nudge you need to keep you on track towards the kind of life you want to live.

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love

What’s the thing you know you should do today?

The thing that you know if you did on a consistent basis would change your life.

But, for whatever reason, you say ‘not today.’

Because you’re busy today, not feeling well, or have other priorities, whatever the reason, you convince yourself that you’ll do it tomorrow.

The problem is, if you don’t do it today, it will be easier not to do it tomorrow. The reason for this is that you don’t see the crack forming between the person you want to be and the person you’re becoming until it becomes a chasm. And crossing the chasm, although possible, requires significantly more effort.

Today might not be the perfect day to do the thing you need to do, but at least give it a shot. Try it, start it, show up for it. Get your brain primed for it. Perfect days are few and far between, and you only know they’re perfect in hindsight.

So whatever the thing is, you know you need to do that’s going to move you towards the person you want to be, do it now. Ask yourself, what would future me have to do today to be the person I want to be?

Embody the future you today, because if not today, then when?

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love

On the one hand, you could do this.

On the other hand, you could do that.

But what about the third hand?

Well, that one is wide open with possibility.

Often, what appears to be limited choices is merely an illusion. Limited choices are easier for your brain to process, but they also limit your other options.

When you find yourself in a position where you’re being asked to decide between limited options, learn to ask, Why? 

You see, many times when you’re presented with limited options, it’s because it’s easier or more convenient for the person presenting you with the options, not because there isn’t more available.

Asking what else is there? Moves you beyond your current constraints – it expands your mental universe. And the interesting thing is that when you ask your brain to look for other options, it will begin to do so. Now, you might not always find other choices you like, or you might settle on one of your original options, but at least you made the effort to explore.

Getting into the habit of looking outside of what’s readily available not only increases your options but can also move you to be more creative. Of course, if the decisions you need to make are trivial and the outcomes will not materially affect your life, then feel free to choose from the first or second-hand choices and leave the third-hand for other, more consequential decisions.

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love

What is your personal scheduled maintenance plan?

Your car, home, and even some of your appliances and devices have scheduled maintenance programs and requirements that enable them to last longer, and more importantly, provide you with the best performance.

If scheduled maintenance is essential for inanimate objects, doesn’t it make sense that you, too, should have a personal maintenance schedule?

Your body and mind experience stress daily, and if not correctly cared for, will eventually break down. Maybe even worse than breaking down, they will begin to perform poorly. At first, you may not notice, because it will happen slowly. Then one day, you’ll wake up to find yourself unable to perform even simple mental and physical tasks.

Taking into account that factors outside of your control may cause an unfortunate accident or illness, there’s a lot you can do to maintain a level of well-being for yourself. And it doesn’t take much. You don’t have to spend hours in the gym or partake in extreme diets to ensure good physical health. You also don’t have to trek to the top of a mountain to achieve mental peace, unless, of course, you want to.

A few scheduled minutes of mental and physical exercise a day, in conjunction with a relatively healthy diet, is all you really need. Nothing extreme, because in most cases, extreme is unsustainable.

Schedule a maintenance plan for yourself. Add it to your calendar so that you’re reminded on a regular basis to take care of yourself. Who knows? If you do this long enough, you might outlast and outperform your appliances.

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love

Couldn’t be better.

Good.

Fantastic.

Fine.

Wonderful.

These and more are the responses you’ll get most often when you ask the question, How’s it going?

Welcome to the masquerade party.

The party where so many are wearing masks because they fear being vulnerable. They fear being judged or ridiculed. They fear what you might think of them.

So, how do you get past the mask to the real person?

You take off your own mask.

You share what you’re going through. You share your hardships, your struggles, your story, and you reveal your humanity. You expose your own vulnerabilities.

This doesn’t mean you walk around sharing and telling all your deepest darkest fears and secrets to everyone, but it does mean that when appropriate, you share.

The more you interact with people, the more you’ll realize that so many lives are being held together with duct tape and prayers. And behind the thin veneer of the, I’m fine and things are good responses, people are experiencing some of the same concerns as you, and much more.

Masquerade parties can be fun, but after some time, all the masks and not knowing who’s behind them get old and tiring. Eventually, you’re ready to take off your mask and see who’s behind all the other masks, but no one wants to go first. No one wants to be the first one not wearing a mask.

The same holds true in life. If you don’t occasionally take off your mask, you won’t create a safe space for the other person to take off their mask either, thereby limiting the opportunity for you both to form a meaningful connection.

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love

Have you ever met the vacation version of you?

If you have, then you know exactly who I’m talking about.

I’m talking about the version of you that can express beyond your usual inhibitions, the version of you that’s maybe a little, or in some cases, a lot more adventurous than your everyday version. The version of you that’s willing to try new things or speak and interact with new people without hesitation.

Now, why is there a difference between the vacation version of you and the everyday version of you?

Because the vacation version of you isn’t bound by the same environment as the regular version of you, it’s almost as though the vacation version has escaped gravity.  Even though you’re technically the same person, you’re able to act and be different. You’re your own version of Jekyll and Hyde.

Now, why can’t you summon up the vacation you on demand?

I’m sure you can, but you probably don’t think it’s appropriate to act as though you’re on vacation when you’re not.

And you’re correct. That is, if you’re doing it all the time.

But occasionally?

You have access to all kinds of personalities and roles within you, and once in a while, changing up who you are allows you to have different experiences. Now, this is not a call to abdicate responsibility. It’s just a suggestion that occasionally lets the vacation you to show up during regular you time and enjoy the shift in your experiences and perspective.

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love

When was the last time you knowingly conducted an experiment?

I say knowingly because you’re conducting micro-experiments more frequently than you think you are.

Unfortunately, too often and mistakenly so, the idea of experiments is relegated to the world of science, or they are thought of as something only children and young adults do.

But that’s a mistake.

Life is, and dare I say, should be viewed as a set of ongoing experiments. And since you’re already conducting experiments informally, why not add some rigor to your process?

But how, you ask?

Well, let me help you out.

The scientific method is one of the most popular ways to conduct an experiment formally and can be an excellent guide for you to start with.

Step 1- Question -The thing you want to know or to happen.

Step 2-Research – Here, you gather information about things that are already known about your topic.

Step 3-Hypothesis – What do you think will happen during or at the end of your experiment?

Step 4-Experiment – Conduct your experiment.

Step 5-Observations – Collect data and information from your experiment.

Step 6-Results/Conclusion – What you learned by conducting your experiment.

These steps are not carved in stone and aren’t the only method to conduct experiments, but they are a great starting point.

So, choose an area of your life that you’ve struggled with, or are open to changing, and apply a formal experiment process. What you learn about yourself might surprise you. And of course, you don’t have to share with anyone that you’re experimenting. We can keep that between us.

Happy experimenting and learning!

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love

What’s your first conscious thought when you wake up?

Is your brain already cycling through your to-do list?

Have you already moved into full anxiety mode, and you’re concerning yourself over things that haven’t occurred yet?

Are you ruminating over a past event or incident?

Are you detesting or embracing the new day?

If you’ve recently experienced a traumatizing event or are under an extraordinary amount of stress due to a unique situation, controlling your morning emotions and thoughts can be extremely challenging. But if it’s just another day in your life, then your waking moments present you with a wonderful opportunity.

The first few moments of your day might be the only time when no outside forces are making immediate demands on your time. Upon awakening, as you lie there adjusting to the new day, you have an almost perfect opportunity to express and experience a sense of gratitude for all that you have. You have the opportunity to think kind, loving thoughts about yourself and those close to you. You have the chance to direct the first conscious thoughts of your day.

The act of waking up can be beautiful. The transition from a death-like slumber to life is a very tender moment and should be held in high regard. I’m not saying you should deny or ignore any real feelings or situations you’re experiencing; what I am suggesting is that you put them on hold, just for a few waking moments.

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love

When was the last time you experienced a change in your life?

If you said right now, then you are correct.

As you read this, cells in your body are continuously changing. They are growing, degrading, and even dying; it’s just that you can’t feel it happening.

The range at which change occurs is between the speed of light and at a glacial pace. And just like the cells in your body, you rarely experience either end of the vast change spectrum. 

Things that might appear solid or even permanent are also undergoing change. There’s decay, entropy, and growth taking place right in front of your eyes, yet it’s not visible to you.

Change is essentially another word for impermanence. And life is impermanent.

Anything you’re experiencing right now is not permanent, although it might feel as though it is. Joy, stress, and any moment’s experience are fleeting. However, it’s just human nature to want to hold on to the joyous moments, squeeze them for all they have, and rush to escape and avoid the stress.

Avoiding change is impossible and is a fool’s errand. Learning to cope with change is a much better strategy. One way to cope with sudden, unwanted change is to evaluate the situation and identify the aspects you can control. Finding a few good footholds you can rely on to support you while you endure the change is one strategy that can help you work through unwelcome change.

Change is the ultimate surprise package. It’s the one thing that doesn’t last, yet happens forever. Learning to handle and work with change is a skill that will serve you well for a lifetime of change.

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love.

How often do you set your intentions for your day?

Now I understand that you can’t foresee everything that will happen during your day, but you can still start your day with a thought or two that will prime your mind for your day.

Setting intentions for yourself when you start your day allows you to choose where your attention will be focused throughout the day. Now, some might argue that if you select where you focus, you’re biasing your outlook, and I would happily agree with them. The question I would have for them is, would you rather bias your own outlook or have external forces do it for you?

Setting intentions can shift you from reactive to proactive in certain situations. For example, if you set out today with the intention of doing, let’s say, three good deeds, then your mind will look for opportunities to execute those deeds. Now, we’re not measuring the size of the deed here, just the act of doing.

Setting your intentions at the beginning of your day gives you a north star for your attention. It provides you with a little bit of clarity amongst all the unpredictable things that can occur throughout your day. Again, setting an intention is not to preempt your natural emotions or reactions. It’s to provide you with opportunities for action.

Ultimately, your collective intentions are the scaffold upon which you build your life; as it has been so eloquently said, your life is a collection of your days. So set an intention or two when you start your day and begin to build the framework for your life.

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love.

How much time do you spend shopping?

Not consuming, but just browsing and looking. And while you look, you’re being sold too and sold.

Here’s a brief timeline of how shopping evolved.

Farms.

Door to door.

Bazaars and markets.

Stores.

Catalogues with home delivery. The first time you could browse and have it delivered.

Malls and shopping centers. Where you had to go to see what was available physically.

And now, there’s 24-hour access—not only for you to shop but also for the sellers to access your mind.

As long as you interact with almost any digital platform – you’re being sold to and sold. Even if you don’t need anything, you’re being reminded or told you do.

You’re on an endless cycle of being sold to. And being in a state of constant consumption is eroding our collective minds. A continuous consumption mindset not only increases financial pressures, but perhaps even more importantly, it consumes so much of your attention.

Right now, as you read this, you are looking at a block of text that doesn’t have any advertising aimed at you. Nothing reminds you that you could or should be either purchasing or considering purchasing one more thing. In fact, this might be the only thing you read today that doesn’t show you an ad or collect your information to sell to an advertiser so that they can sell you something in the future.

However, there is some hypocrisy in my writing because I, too, am trying to sell you. I’m attempting to sell you on the concept of stopping being continuously sold and sold to.

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love.

10 Steps to achieve anything

Okay.

Ready.

Here they are.

1. Do something

2. Learn from it

3. Do something

4. Learn from it

Are you sensing a pattern?

5. Do something

6. Learn from it

Do you think you have the hang of it?

Only 4 steps left.

7. Do something

8. Learn from it

9. Do something

And you guessed it.

10. Learn from it

That’s it!

You did it!

Congratulations!

You can now accomplish anything you set out to do.

Wait!

You didn’t think I was actually going to give you the steps.

Or did you?

The fact is, I hardly know you.

So, how would I know what would work for you?

Every time you read a 3-step guide to X or a 5-easy steps to Y, you’re essentially following the same guidelines as the ones I wrote for you.

Life is rarely cut out into a neat step-by-step process that works for everyone, yet the demand for a step-by-step process to achieve goals and accomplish things is extremely high.

Why?

Because it’s easier than ambiguity.

The hard truth is that for almost anything you will achieve in life, you will have to figure it out yourself. Yes, there are unlimited resources that you can find to help you along the way, but it’s always going to boil down to step one: do something, step two: learn from it, and then, of course, do something.

Depending on what you’re trying to accomplish, sometimes there might only be two steps, and at other times there might be an unlimited number. Ultimately, it’s going to boil down to you taking it step by step.

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love.

How quickly do you slip into self-protection mode?

If you’re not sure what self-protection is, let me help you. It’s the opposite of self-exposure. Essentially, self-protection is defense, and self-exposure is vulnerability. If you’ve ever allowed yourself to share your true feelings with another person, then you’re operating under self-exposure.

As a child, your emotional distance between these two states usually starts out very wide, but as you move through life into adulthood, the distance narrows based on your experiences. 

When you’re in self-protection mode, you’re always looking for danger or threats, whether real or perceived. You feel as though people and situations are always out to get you, and this feeling causes you to close up and become emotionally inaccessible.

One of the most detrimental effects of self-protection mode is disconnection between you and others, and the reason it’s bad for you is that we as a species are designed for connection.

Letting go of being in self-protection mode can be difficult, especially if, based on your past experiences, you feel as though it has served you well. And it might have, but it also has you in a state of constant mental defense. It sets up emotional boundaries that don’t let others in, but also don’t let you out.

Moving from operating in a self-protection mode to self-exposure can be a challenging transition, but doing so will allow you to experience deeper and more fulfilling relationships. Vulnerability is complex and emotionally risky, and self-protection can appear to be the safe route to take. But it’s also hollow, unfulfilling, and the constant pressure of guarding yourself because you feel as though the world is against you is a hard way to go through life. So, consider the alternative.

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love.

Humor me for a minute.

Pick a whole number between one and ten.

Multiply your number by 2.

Multiply the new number by 5.

Divide your current number by your original number.

Now subtract 7 from your current number.

Now give me a moment.

…is the answer 3?

Okay, one more, then I promise no more.

Pick a number.

Now double the number.

Add 10 to your last answer.

Divide your answer by 2.

Now subtract your original number.

…is the answer 5?

Thank you for humoring me by engaging this little trick.

Hopefully, humoring me also added a little smile to your day, too.

As you can see, it rarely takes much effort to brighten yours or someone else’s day for a moment. However, it does take a bit of conscious effort.

So, as you go about your day today, take a moment to make yourself smile. Then, find some unsuspecting target and make them smile, too.

Oh, and if you’re not sure how, you can use the math tricks I used with you.

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love.

When did you last see a sign that read, ‘happiness for sale?’

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess never.

But lurking behind almost everything for sale that is not necessary for safety, security, and survival is the unsaid implication that it will make you happier.

But will it?

There’s a business technique called the 5 Whys. The 5 Whys is an iterative interrogative technique used to explore the cause-and-effect relationships underlying a particular problem. Essentially, in non-business speak, it means that the 5 Whys can help you find what issues caused a problem. The great thing about the 5 Whys process is that it can also be used in your personal life.

The next time you consider making a significant decision or purchase, use the 5 Whys as a filter. I’m going to bet you rarely get to the third or fourth why before you land on something like, ‘because it will make me happy.’

The 5 Whys is an excellent tool for uncovering the deepest reasons for almost anything you do. Although the tool can be very powerful, the downside is that you have to be open to taking time to work on yourself. You’ll have to dig a little deeper into yourself to get to the root of what is motivating you to act.

And if you’re not ready, willing, or open to working on yourself, then maybe that would be the ideal place to use the 5 Whys to ask- why not?

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, don’t keep it secret – share it with one person you love