How you think about a person is how you’ll treat them.

Let that marinate in your mind for a moment.

If you think about a person with anger, contempt, irritation, or any other negative feeling, then regardless of your words, your feelings will still be conveyed, even if you attempt to hide them. And the same is true for positive feelings.

It’s been said that only 10% of communication is verbal – the rest is body language and tone. So even if you try to hide how you feel, your messages about how you think are still being transmitted. And a person can hear, or even feel, what you’re really saying.

If you really want to convey love and warmth towards someone, then think of reasons why you’d feel that way towards them, and you’ll find that your body language and tone will fall in line accordingly. If you don’t learn to do this, then your attempt at words of affection will ring hollow, and they’ll sense it.

There will be times when this is difficult, but let it be the exception, not the norm. Perhaps Maya Angelou said it best when she said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

So keep in mind that your thoughts about an individual will be the launching pad for your actions and words toward that person.  And no matter how hard you try to mask your emotions, eventually they’ll feel what you’re really thinking.

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Maybe and might.

Both words are relatively non-committal.

In fact, it’s been said that if you tell someone that you might do something, or that maybe you’ll show up, then the likelihood of you doing so is extremely slim.

They’re a pair of slippery words that give you huge gaping holes to get out of commitments and situations.

But if used well, they can also be wonderful opportunities, especially if you use them as tools to motivate yourself.

When you’re struggling against a challenge, you can convince yourself to put in extra effort because if you do, maybe you’ll be able to overcome it. The maybe is your sliver of hope. It’s the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel that keeps you moving forward.

Maybe and might are both expressions of possibilities, and you can use this to your advantage. Yes, they can provide you with ‘outs,’ in certain situations, but they can also leave options open for you.

So, although some of those you interact with won’t like or appreciate your maybes and mights, you go ahead and use them at your will. Use them to open the doors that work for you and close the ones that don’t.

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Where can you find the instructions for life?

How will you know if you’re assembling your life correctly?

The truth is that you will never really know.

You might occasionally feel or think that you’re working your way through life and doing it correctly. You’ll look around and see what others are doing, and you’ll attempt to match your life to theirs.  At times you’ll feel as though you’re right on beat, and there will be other times when you’ll feel way out of tune.

Fortunately, and unfortunately, life doesn’t come with instructions. I say fortunately because if it did, then all our lives would look and feel almost identical, and where’s the fun in that? But it’s also unfortunate, because at times when you’re grasping for answers, it would be so much easier if there were a set of instructions to turn to.

Now there are certain guiding principles that you can choose to adopt that might make your life a little easier. For example, there’s the golden rule ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you,’ which is a solid rule to live by and will probably serve you well.  And there are a few others that could serve as a mini foundation to build on, but that’s really all there is.

You’ll come across all kinds of advice and tips and tricks that might look like instructions for your life, and some might even work for you, but you will not come across a set of customized instructions designed specifically for you. You and your uniqueness will have to figure out your own instructions for life as you go along.

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How do you remind yourself that you love the people you say you do?

Do you pray for them?

If prayer is not something you practice, then do you actively think good thoughts about them?

Do you appreciate them in your mind?

Do you mentally list the reasons why you love them?

It’s very easy to say that you love someone, and at times just saying it can become a habit, but reminding yourself of the reasons strengthens the foundation of why you love them.

Your mind, like any other muscle, needs attention and exercise. Consider the practice of reviewing reasons you love someone as mental reps, similar to working any other muscle.

When you actively practice reminding yourself why you love someone, be it a friend or in a romantic sense, you’ll develop a deeper sense of appreciation for them. You’ll also be able to navigate the bumps and rough patches that come with any relationship just a little easier because you’ll have the reasons you love them top of mind.

Look, your mind is a busy place, and it’s constantly prioritizing what you think about, and while it’s doing this, it’s very easy to neglect some of the more important parts of your life. So, sometimes you have to step in and reorganize and prioritize what’s important to you.

Now this doesn’t mean you have to spend hours fawning and swooning over someone, nor does it mean you accept transgressions against you. All I’m suggesting is that if you say you love someone, spend a few seconds or minutes reminding yourself why. If you do this on a regular basis, you’ll begin to feel a deeper sense of love for them, and they’ll be able to feel it too.

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How open-minded are you?

How willing are you to have your beliefs, ideas, and thoughts challenged and tested by others?

If just the idea of having your mind changed by others makes you uncomfortable, then maybe you should consider being a little more open-minded.

Having your mind open to different or new ways of thinking shouldn’t be something you fear. In fact, at times, you should welcome the idea of being challenged. The opportunity to gain a new perspective can be quite beneficial, especially from those who have different experiences or more experience than you do.

Having an open mind doesn’t mean you agree to, or accept every new idea that’s brought to your attention. It means that you’re at least willing to listen, and to some extent, perhaps even admit that your position about a subject might not be entirely correct.

Being closed-minded drives you towards conclusions and judgments much faster than if you hold an open mind. The reason is that you already think you have the answer or you think you know what is right.

The benefits of having an open mind are infinite, because you’re free to change, to learn, to explore without boundaries. You’re open to considering and evaluating alternatives. You’re not bound to one set of beliefs. Having an open mind will also increase your level of empathy, which in turn will strengthen and add greater depth to your relationships.

So as you can see, having an open mind is going to be much more beneficial to you over the course of your life than a closed one. I just hope that you’re open-minded enough to accept this idea.

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How do you implement change in your life?

What technique or system do you use to create new habits?

If you’re like most people, then you probably don’t have a system. And that’s okay if what you’re doing is working for you. But if it’s not, then consider using MAYA.

What’s MAYA?

Well, I’m glad you asked.

MAYA is a technique developed by a famous industrial designer named Raymond Loewy.  He used the concept of MAYA in the early 1900s to introduce new products to the public, and because it works so well, MAYA is still being used by companies today.

MAYA stands for most advanced yet acceptable. Think about that for a moment. It’s such an important concept. The idea is how far you can take an individual’s thinking before you lose them, before they say, “I can’t do that, or I don’t believe that.”

Now let’s see how you can use this in your life.

If you’re trying to make a change or implement a new habit, there might be a part of you that will resist. It will resist because it doesn’t believe it’s possible. And you will find it doing things to sabotage your own progress.

What if you could convince this inner saboteur that change is possible by showing it what is incrementally possible? Essentially, by asking what is the smallest change acceptable? And then, act only on the smallest change.

No big moves and no drastic changes, only MAYA.

If you continue asking yourself, what is the most advanced, yet acceptable thing I can do right now to implement a behavior change, soon enough you’ll find your new desired behavior coming to life without shocking your system. In fact, you might find that your inner saboteur becomes your inner collaborator because it will begin to believe that change is indeed possible.

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Make an effort today to brighten someone’s day.

Send a thank-you note

Give a sincere compliment.

Make a surprise phone call.

It doesn’t matter who it is, nor how you do it, just do it.

Don’t mull on it, or spend too much time thinking about it. In fact, right now as you’re reading this, just stop right here and think of someone.

Do you have a person in mind?

Okay, you can stop reading right here and go do it now.

I hope you’re still not reading.

If you are, then you’ve fallen into the ‘I’ll do it later’ trap.  And although you might, you also might not. Not because you don’t care, but because daily events tend to line up in front of you, just waiting to be addressed. And the next thing you know, you’re getting into bed and all of a sudden you’ll realize that you didn’t do it.

Look, if you need one more reason to go do it now, then here it is.

When you make the effort to brighten someone’s day, you’ll feel your day brighten too. It’s a strange, almost reciprocal effect. Even though they didn’t do anything for you, it makes you feel better about the kind of person you are.

So please, no more waiting.

Go do it now. And enjoy the feeling of having your day brightened too.

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What can you do to make the world a better place?

If the idea of making the world a better place sounds too daunting, then start a little smaller.

You could start with…

Your country.

Your state.

Your city.

Your neighborhood.

Your home.

Just imagine the difference it would all make if each one of us collectively made an effort to leave places better than we found them.

How much effort would it really take to take on such an endeavor?

Probably not as much as you might think.

What it would take is conscious behavior. It would take a shift in focus and a bias towards action.

You could start with something as small as picking up a piece of litter and disposing of it correctly. Or, if you feel so inclined, you could run for public office because you’re willing to commit energy and time to making things better on a larger scale.

The choice is yours.

If you’re really stuck and don’t know where or how to start making things better, then start with thinking about it. Once you decide and commit to the fact that you’re going to work towards making the world a better place, I can almost guarantee you’ll encounter endless opportunities to do so.

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I think you’re amazing.

I think you’re beautiful.

I think you’re brilliant.

I think you’re charming.

I think you’re…

Enough about what I think you are.

What matters more is who you think you are.

Because who you think you are is and should be way more important than what I or anyone else thinks you are.

Who you think you are will determine how you act and behave; it will also determine how you show up for yourself and others.

If you’re constantly thinking about how others think you should be, then you’ll have to develop multiple versions of yourself because everyone you meet might want you to be something different. However, if you build yourself around the person you think and believe you are, then you will be consistent and, more importantly, congruent with yourself.

The sooner you realize that you’ll never please or earn the admiration of every person you encounter, the better off you’ll be. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be kind, pleasant, or respectful to those you meet. It just means that there will be people who like you and people who don’t, and that’s okay.

So instead of thinking about what I or anyone else thinks you are, focus on thinking about the kind of person you think you are. Once you do, you’ll develop an inner sense of confidence that won’t rely on or look for validation from what other people think you are.

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If you don’t invest in yourself, then who will?

Investing in yourself is a signal to yourself that you have self-worth and value yourself. 

When an investor reviews an investment opportunity, it’s with the expectation that the opportunity has a certain value and will return even greater value in the future, therefore increasing the value of the initial investment.

You should consider yourself your own investment opportunity.

There are many ways to invest in yourself, but ultimately they all boil down to two common denominators: money and time.

You must believe that you’re worth both.

How much money and time you invest in yourself is up to you and should correlate with your own personal goals and lifestyle. And you don’t need to spend unreasonable amounts of either one to get started.

Allocate a small amount of money and time towards improving the areas of life that are important to you. For you, it might be education or health, whatever it is, invest in it.

It’s easy to get caught up in the cycles of everyday routines and de-prioritizing yourself, but when you do, you’re also indicating to your subconscious that you’re not worth the time. And when you de-value yourself, how can you expect anyone else to value you?

So, refrain from using all your resources on others and start to invest in yourself. Because when you do, you’ll begin to see and experience exponential returns on your investment.

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Accept the fact that you’ll never get it all done.

That’s right, your to-do list is infinite. It’s the never-ending story of your life. As soon as you check one thing off your list, three or more will magically appear. And this can be overwhelming, if you let it.

Sometimes just thinking about everything you have to do can cause you to feel anxious or stressed. Even though the reality is that very rarely are the things on your list due to be done at the same time. In fact, I’m sure you’ve experienced on occasion and given some time, a task or to-do that you’ve been stressing over mysteriously disappears from your list.

Stressing over, or fretting about future to-dos robs you of your opportunity to enjoy today. Constantly living in the future prevents you from appreciating or even focusing on what’s important today because it dilutes your energy. It doesn’t allow you to be present.

So free yourself from your constant worry about what you might or might not get done. And when I say this, I’m not suggesting you behave irresponsibly. In fact, be more responsible for what’s in front of you right now. The sooner you come to terms with the fact you’ll never get it all done, the better off you’ll be. And the better you’ll be – at right now.

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When you hear the word perfect, what comes to mind?

Do you think about a perfect object, a perfect life, a perfect person?

What about you?

Do you believe you’re perfect?

I think you should.

Now, before we cross wires and get into a debate about perfect, let me explain.

I’m not saying that you’re perfect in the sense that you never say or do the wrong thing, or that you’re always right. Nor am I saying that you always look your best or any other image of perfection that you might have in mind. Nope, when I say I think you should believe that you’re perfect, what I mean is that you believe that you’re complete, you’re enough, you’re whole, and have nothing missing.

Why is this important?

Well, if you believe that you’re not complete or whole within yourself, then you must believe that some part of you is missing or, even worse, lacking. And this belief will show up in everything you do, especially in your relationships. You’ll always be searching for objects or people to fill what you think you’re lacking. And your search will be never-ending, leaving you with a constant feeling of being unfulfilled.

So when I say you’re perfect, it’s not to inflate your ego or tell you you can’t do any wrong. It’s for you to know that you can and should love yourself as you are today. And yes, if you choose to, you can build upon and improve who and what you are, but not because you feel as though you’re not good enough. You do it because you want to build on the perfect person you already are.

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You’ll work with people.

You’ll have relationships with people.

You’ll live with people.

You’ll co-exist with people.

Then why not study people?

Learn what moves them, motivates them, and what makes them tick.

You’ll probably go through your entire primary and secondary education without ever taking a class about the nature of people. And depending on your career choice, you might even go through graduate and post-graduate school and still never take a class that teaches you about people.

And then, you’ll step into your job or career, and you’ll have to work with, collaborate with, negotiate with people. And as you move further through your career, you’ll be exposed to books and other material about leadership training, management training, which mostly focus on teaching you how to work with and motivate, yup, you guessed it, people.

So why not get a head start?

No matter where you are in your personal or professional journey, start studying people now. Take an interest, learn how to live with them, how to work with them, and what motivates them.

And guess what?

You’re a person too.

So one of the best benefits you’ll get from learning about and studying people is that you’ll get insight into yourself, too. Look, you don’t have to become an expert on people, but since you’re probably going to spend the majority of your life around them, doesn’t it make sense to learn more about them?

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“To be nobody-but-yourself — in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else — means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”

Read it again.

Memorize it, and repeat it to yourself, and never forget it.

Being yourself, scratch that. Being true to your real self is going to be one of the hardest things you’ll ever encounter in your life.

The quote I started with wasn’t written by me; it was written by the brilliant poet E.E. Cummings.

To some, this quote might seem unreasonable, and the truth is that it is.

Why is it unreasonable?

Because it’s dangerous.

It’s filled with all the perils, the consequences, of being yourself.

But at its core, it boils down to, ” What will they think of me? And although some of this is tied to emotion, a great portion is directly associated with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. The core need for love and belonging drives many to mask who they really are in order to achieve social acceptance.

The awful irony is that when the elderly are asked to list their lessons and regrets from their lives, one of their top regrets is that they wish they had been brave enough to have expressed their true selves. And that’s why you’ll often hear that old people don’t have filters. It’s because they’ve realized that their time is limited, and so they’re going to act, say, and do whatever they want to.

Now, I’m not suggesting you don’t take other people’s feelings into account, nor am I condoning behavior that’s damaging to you or society. What I am suggesting is that you really start asking yourself, who you are and what you want?

Do it now and do it often.

Look, you’re always going to encounter people who don’t agree with you, but the more you’re aligned with yourself, the more you’ll attract people who resonate with you. It might be difficult at first, but that’s the continuous battle.

Start now. Don’t wait to be the old person with regrets and without a filter.

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Airplane door.

Back door.

Bedroom door.

Bus door.

Car door.

Classroom door.

Elevator door.

Front door.

Garage door.

Kitchen door.

Office door.

Revolving door.

Store door.

Study door.

Train door.

Life is a series of doors.

Some doors will be more important to you than others. The reason is that how you show up once you cross the threshold of these doors will determine the tenor of your relationships, which in turn will have a direct impact on your life.

When possible, stand a little straighter and put a smile on your face when you walk through a door. If you do this, it’ll change what you see on the other side and, if there are people there, it’ll change how they see you.

Doors might seem like an insignificant part of your life. But if you view them as transition points, to change your attitude, change your mood, revisit your views, you can begin to leverage them as opportunities to your advantage.

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Tag you’re it!

If you ever walk up to a playground full of children, you’ll probably see at least a few of them engaged in a game of tag. Apparently, the game of tag is a global phenomenon. Children around the world instinctively engage in their own local version of the game.

Why is this?

Well, researchers say that tag has a primal effect. The running around, laughing out loud, and even screaming with joy, all while expending energy, is something we’re built to do.

So why stop?

When do you become too old to run around laughing or screaming with joy?

When is child’s play relegated only to young children?

Millions of dollars are spent each year on sporting events. Fans and spectators flock in droves to watch adults essentially at play. So often when a professional athlete is interviewed, you’ll hear them say phrases like, ‘I can believe I get paid to play,’ or ‘I feel just like I was when I was a kid.’

Why should they be the only ones having all the fun, playing like children?

Why not you too?

Find ways to evoke your inner child. Actively engage in child’s play. If the mature version of you is pushing back and saying that you’re too old to do so, then know this. Studies also show that play increases creativity. So there, now you have a great reason to find a way to play.

Try it today. Tap a friend or co-worker on the shoulder and whisper, tag you’re it.

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Do you accept or decline?

I’m guessing that you’re asking, accept or decline what?

And that’s a great question.

You see, you’re constantly accepting or declining requests for your time and energy. However, many of these requests don’t include big, obvious buttons to accept or decline. In fact, many or even most of them are subtle, to the point of insidious, working their way under your conscious radar and stealing tiny bits of your time and energy on a daily basis.

Actually, “stealing” might be too strong a word, since you’re complicit and you do agree to your time and energy being eroded by a constant stream of requests.

And since these requests never stop, how do you find, or more importantly, take any time for yourself?

How do you prioritize your energy and time so that it allows you to accomplish things that are important to you?

You might not have any large goals that require lots of time and energy, such as climbing Mount Everest, on your to-do list, and that’s okay. But if you’re like most people, you probably have a few small goals that you’d like to achieve.  And in order to achieve them, you’re going to have to apply some degree of selfishness. You’re going to have to decide whether you accept or decline requests for your time.

And, at times, declining requests might make you unpopular. But this is the tradeoff you’ll have to be willing to make. You’re going to need to draw some hard lines in the sand if you’re ever going to carve out some ‘you time.’

Whether it’s the people around you or the device in your hand, they all want a piece of your time. And ultimately, your time is all you have. It’s your one non-renewable resource. It’s the one you have to protect most, so be very careful when someone requests your time, and decide wisely whether to accept or decline.

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How do you feel when you think you made all the right choices, but things didn’t work out for you the way you expected?

Do you begin to doubt yourself?

Do you start sliding into the ‘why me?’

Do you become bitter, not only with yourself, but also towards those who seem to ‘have it all’

These are normal feelings, but if not addressed while still fresh will begin to lead you down a vicious cycle. You’ll begin to slip into what is known as a negative feedback loop, and you will begin to reaffirm your feelings of self-doubt and ideas about failure.

So, how do you prevent yourself from entering the cycle?

Well, you start by disaggregating events. That’s just a fancy way of saying, view each event as separate from the other. If you listen to people complaining, you’ll often hear them saying, then this happened and then that happened, very often making the proverbial mountain out of a molehill.

Once you begin to view events as separate, then allow yourself some honesty and grace as you ask yourself, what role you played; what was your contribution to the event? This might take some real deep introspection, but keep in mind, this is to prevent you from entering a downward spiral, so it’s well worth the effort.

Now here’s the hardest part. Don’t let the event define you because if you do, then you have affirmed that this is the person you are. And like it or not, your mind will begin to look for evidence to support your claim.

Breaking out of or preventing yourself from entering cycles is difficult, but ultimately, you have a choice. Cycles are ultimately feedback loops. So if you stop giving yourself negative feedback and begin to find ways to give yourself positive feedback, even incremental, you’ll begin to see changes. 

Ultimately, it’s your life, and whether you agree or not, you do have a choice of when to intervene and say stop. And make the decision, if you’re going to allow yourself to enter vicious or virtuous cycles.

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I wonder.

Do you wonder?

Do you ever just let your mind wander in wonder?

Letting your mind wander in wonder might not seem like the best use of your time, and I agree if you do for hours or days at a time, but a few minutes a day can be refreshing and rewarding.

Right now, in this moment, there are so many things around you that would leave you awestruck if you just paid a little bit of attention.

If you just allowed yourself to wonder.

If you allowed yourself to marvel at the magnificence of your immediate surroundings and beyond.

The sheer beauty, not only in the aesthetic sense, but also in the utilitarian sense of all that is around you, is easy to take for granted. For example, you might be reading this on an electronic device that is capturing the information from right out of the air around you.

Now, if that doesn’t inspire a feeling of wonder-ful, then I would venture to say that you’re not looking hard enough. And you’ve become numb to all the miracles around, because you take them for granted.

Step away for a moment or two throughout your day and allow yourself to wonder, to marvel. To look below your feet and imagine the millions of life forms sharing the planet with you, and then look up at the sky and think about the infinite number of planets and stars that you’re a part of.

If you take the time to break the monotony of your days with speed bumps of awe and wonder, then soon enough you’ll begin to realize the magnificence of your existence.

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What do you think you deserve?

Why is this an important question?

Because, you’ll act accordingly.

If you don’t feel worthy or as though you deserve, then you will behave that way. Even though deep down you might think that you deserve certain things or situations in your life, if you don’t act in congruence with those thoughts, then in essence, you will sabotage your own self.

The gap between what you think you deserve and what you get is usually filled with fear.

Why fear?

Because in order for you to get what you think you deserve, you have to change, and change is scary. In fact, for some, it’s so scary that they’d rather stay where they are, longing for what they want, rather than commit to changing.

Are you going to be one of those people?

The kind of person who knows they deserve better or different, but will not change because it’s safer to stay where they are and dream rather than do. If you are, that’s okay, but be prepared to continuously feel unfulfilled. Be prepared to live with the hollow feeling of knowing that you’re meant for so much more, but are not willing to leave the safety of who you are in order to get what you want.

On the other hand, if you decide that you are going to pursue what you believe you deserve, then I congratulate you, and I should warn you.

Yes, warn you.

It’s not going to be easy. And it’s not guaranteed that you’ll get exactly what you think you deserve.

Now you might be asking, then why go through all the trouble?

Because deep down inside, you’ll feel more fulfilled knowing that at least you tried. You’ll know that you lived with the courage of pursuing the things that you believed you deserved.

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